Monday, April 4, 2016
Serenaded By Angels [Live]
I cannot tell you how many times I have sung the song on this post at funerals, enough that all my family has ask for it to be sang at their funerals, including my mother.
A few days ago we made the decision for me to go home and be with my mother while she could still know who I was. She is in the last stage of dying, her body is shutting down, hardly talks, eats no more then two bits of food offered her, moans a lot, cries out when the nurses move her. Today the decision was made to start her on morphine so she will be comfortable in this last stage.
Family and friends living in her home town hearing she is close to death stopped by today as I sit with her. In a hushed voice I tried to explain how she is doing, many cried, shocked at how fast she went down hill. Bending down close to her face, each one gave her a kiss and said, I love you Mildred before they left her room.
I received several phone calls from family living long distance with questions, should I come now, how long do you think she will last? Countless times I repeated what the Hospice nurse told me. As hard as I tried I could not contained the tears from over flowing my eyes. It feels like I am stuck between two places. It's in that place my grief resides, wanting her to stay here yet wanting her to go on, to be out of pain.
Hospice has been great at helping us cope with the process of Mom dying. Her body does not need physically energy that comes from food, the body is too frail to use it. So it's ok for her not to want to eat. . According to Hospice a different energy is needed now, a spiritual energy. At this point the one dying literally has one foot in each world, heaven and earth. As she enters into the last stage of dying certain things will happen that are reserved for the end of life here unless it is a sudden death.
I as sitting right next to Mom as I type this, she is sleeping, not hurting at this moment because of the great meds. I have watched a person in a remote place die, no doctors, no nurse, no meds, it's not pretty and it's haunts you for the rest of your life but also brings a gratefulness in times like this because your loved one can have it all
Sometimes I stroke her hair, or hold her warm hand, knowing soon that warmth will be leaving. Her frail dress of flesh still holds life and because there is life she knows my voice and tries to open her eyes. For months now she has been asking to go see her Mom and Dad who are dead. No matter how deep her sleep is when you try to wake her, she will call out for her Mom. I whisper in her ear now, soon Mom you will see them, soon. Just saying those words fill me with courage to let her go. it causes me to pray for God's mercy on her life..let it be quick, don't let her linger around this old earth, don't keep her in the dress of flesh, her robe of righteousness is hanging, waiting for her.
In a weakened voice she ask me to stay with her tonight so here I sit, writing to protect my mind and heart. Somehow it calms me to put my feelings into words. Today my sister in law and I picked out her burial clothes, talk about how we wanted the service to go, who would do what. Tonight I went through her things in her room at the nursing home, cleaned out closets, drawers, threw some stuff away, saved some things for this one and that one, you know those things ones does as we wait for a loved one to leave this world. I am amazed at the strength God gave me to do that. Sometimes I sing the song on this post, thanking Him that my daughter, her first Grandchild will be here to sing it.
I think I can stop now, the flow of words are ceasing to come and all that comes to my mind is, pray.