Sunday, November 4, 2012

Thankfulness in divorce...

Several years have passed since my son and I made this little clip.  He had not even been married a year or given us any grandchildren yet.  Life brings us lots of things to not be thankful for and when it does you have to look deep for something or you will  drown in your sorrow.   This last year has been one of those deep years for since that clip our son is a divorced father with two children.  God has moved us to live very close to Jared, we actually share a condo in order for us to help him put his life back together and he  helps us financially  to afford California living.   I am sure there are people who would say, you are just helping him be divorced...I would have been one of those people at one time.   And if I don't go deep I could  still be one.  I hate divorce for it destroys lives but so does homes where hatred, bitterness, anger, adultery, indifference, selfishness and all other sin  reigns.  

When we first knew trouble was brewing in the marriage we of course prayed, used the Bible as a means to get him to get it together, sent books, DVD, gave advice, cried more tears then I like to remember.   I enlisted tons of others to pray,  sought advice from others who hurt for their son or daughter and especially the grandchildren involved in divorce.  One thing we learned is we all go through the divorce, it's not just the husband and wife, the ripple affects are wide.

Another thing we learned was don't take sides.  I failed miserably on that one at times...I wanted our son to act like a man, stick with the marriage for the sake of the children even though I understood perfectly why he wanted a divorce.  My plea was for the children I was deeply angry at our son for...well for not being stronger I guess.  Of course this affected our relationship and made me hard to live with at times.  Now I believe in the  process of forgiveness and I started putting it into action, being thankful for the good that was still there and the good coming out of a hurtful situation. The more I gave thanks the more good I saw which only made me more thankful. 

To watch our son love on his children when he has them is priceless, he is a good Dad, a loving Dad, a careful Dad, an encouraging Dad.   Listening to his plans to get out of debt and then actually see him take sacrificial step to get there is very encouraging...he is almost there.  Hearing our son speak words of gratefulness to us for being here for him, for being here for his kids has erased all anger I had.  Living together has been both a help and a good learning time for all of us.  In fact I get a little sad knowing he will soon get his own place yet I am proud   his good work ethic will pay off.  We have spend years working all over the world and  in the states to help others and it was wonderful knowing God considered Jared part of the others.

  Another thing I have learned is when I begin to thank God,  my hope level begin to rise and as it rose I found I could rest in the little things God was doing to draw our son back to Him.  It's God job to draw Jared back to Him, not my husband and I. Our part is to show grace, love, patience and acceptance.

 One more thing I learned, I needed to accept this divorce for rejecting it would only keep me angry.  It is what it is, a hurtful thing but never so hurtful that God can't heal that hurt. 

As I re-read what I wrote I realized I have been very personal and put our actions out there to be judge.  Go ahead and judge if you must...if a divorce happens to someone you love and I pray God it doesn't, you will find your own way to deal with it.  My husband and I have chosen to love all parties involved in this divorce.  I have not changed my mind on divorce but my mind has been broaden as a result of it.  My heart has been enlarged by it too...there is more room to forgive, more room to accept, more room to love abundantly and more room for Jesus to live in. 

I have on purpose chosen not to post scriptures on the subject of divorce because it happens to the saved and unsaved.   What  I hope happens if you read this post is you see the grace that has covered us during this time of our life. 

Maybe you are going through  something hard like a divorce or have been through one. I would love to hear how you got through it.  What pearls of thankfulness can you share, what gems of wisdom hasGod taught you?  What brought you hope?
                                         One more note...Jared has approved this post.


  1. I listened to your song first and it was so touching hearing and seeing you together.
    As believers, our lives are not perfect too, but as long as we believe in God's grace and guidance. everything will be alright. Tough sometimes, but I too have to elarn to lean on to God. Thank you for sharing this story.
    Dropping by from " Tell me a story".
    My entry is from:

  2. Hi Betty, I found your blog through a comment you made on my friend, Kim Jackson's blog (WOW Dee WOW). Thanks for sharing this post. I know that God uses things that seem really hard and terrible for wonderful purposes in our lives. And the best thing is that nothing can separate us from God's love.

  3. Joy, thanks for commenting. All that comes our way is a means to trust Him...

    I really like your are wise woman.

  4. Thanks Denise for stopping by. As you can tell my heart prayer is for our son to return to the Lord. So glad to have your blog to desposit our prayers. Blessings

  5. Wecome Gail...I have been doing some blog hopping today, usually something I don't have a lot of time to do.

    You are so right sister, nothing can seperate us from the love of God. We often seperate from each other love which can be so frail which is why there is so many divorces. But His love...nothing frail about it. Blessings

  6. You are a courageous mom to your son...i really admire you for that. I am sure he will do great as what you have mentioned...God bless you and your wonderful family, Betty!


  7. Divorse is hard, like a death. Our Son went through one that broke our heart. We tried not to take sides, but there was a severing of relationship with our daughter in law who we loved. We also allowed our Son to come home to recover himself for a time. although we do not believe divorse is always the answer, it often might be needed to alter the wrong step taken. God is faithful.

  8. Betty-
    oh my dear friend-you trusted God and opened your heart, laying it all out there to share this heart-breaking/heart-healing time in your family!

    Divorce is very much like a death-we have seen couples who divorced, than having grown children falling in love and getting married~~~the TENSION at these weddings is so THICK~~I have come to feel its not tension, but the full reality of two people having raised a child they are proud of-and yet suddenly they are now with a different spouse and its a REAl struggle to put the NICE face on!!

    I have seen a young bride, having photo after photo taken, forming the "perfect family picture" that once existed in her heart and now she must struggle to re-create what is now gone.

    From what I see and read and HEAR-you really leaned on the Lord and found the way through. Nothing is perfect-but my goodness, what a wonderful Christ-filled example all of you have managed to reach!!

    Sometimes I watch people ask how long Matt & I have been married-of course we pop out the 37 year number and I often see a look that passes across the face of that one doing the asking~~it is filled with deep sadness. My heart aches at these moments.

    God bless you dear Betty. Martha

  9. Hazel, thanks for the encouragment. There is a toll to pay in a divorce. It took me a while to realize it was disappointment fueling my anger. I have met so many others grieving over the same thing...someday...someday we will lay down our grief and see our grief barer face to face. Blessings sister.

  10. Martha, it surely is like a death, the death of a dream. Life all things in life I have learned a few things that do not work dealing with a divorce. Thanks for commenting, I know yo understand grieving over a child. Blessing my wise hearted friend.

  11. Wow...I think this reply may be lengthy...

    First of all, COURAGEOUS willingly were so transparent here. Your wisdom, courage, and strength amazes me. There is much to gleen from your life and words...

    Oh, how I can relate. Joe and I never had divorce touch our lives. Not neighbors, relatives, friends. I didn't have a clue until Niel betrayed Alece and their ministry. The heartbreak left me devastated. When he announced he didn't want to work things out but wanted a divorce, part of me died.

    His betrayal and divorce hurt many, many lives. I've learned to walk (continuously) walk in forgivenenss. Niel was the son of my soul. How do you divorce a son? I still love him as such, but finally had to cut the cord. But, the love is everlasting. He will always be my son.

    He is South African, so I know I will never see him again. Death. Yes, it sure has been a death - many times over.

    I understand. I applaud you, Precious Servant of our LORD, for your honesty and heart-wrenching story. And for Jared who gave his permission.

    God bless you and the family - especially the grandchildren!

    Hugs to you, dear Betty!

  12. Hi is a heart breaker. I do pretty good with it till my former daughter in law drops the kids off...Ace and I both want to cry. Halloween she brought the kids over so we could see their costumes, Jared was here and when she left with the kids without Jared going with them...well Ace and I were both sad. It does amaze me how quickly the kids have adapted to coming to see their Dad, staying everyother weekend...actually I think they have done better then Ace and I. It's our dream for our kids to get married, be happy, give us grand children and all stay together. The holidays will different this year but am so grateful we can at least have a holiday with them. I feel your hurt, and it does speak something good that you took to your son in law so deeply. As my friend keeps saying to me about her situation, it what it is and we need to make the best of it. Blessings my friend...blessings

  13. PS...Diane I wanted to say, you wear your wounds well my sister.

  14. Well? If you were in my life just 4 years ago, you wouldn't have added that PS. Your wise friend is right, it is what it is and we need to make the best of it. It's the letting go of what was, that is so hard.

    But, it's finally becoming a memory. My blessing is that Alece and Niel didn't have children. If there were the case, Niel (being South African) would never have allowed the children to come here. That would have totally destroyed me and only God knows what my husband would have done! So, God knew best.

    My heart is with you, Betty. And I think you are a champion! Grace to you as the grandchildren come and well as the holidays...

    I just realized something: remember my One Word for 2012 was EXTRAVAGANT LOVE? Well, I sure have been tested with this one. I found out a couple of months ago that Niel married the woman he betrayed Alece with. She (an American) has taken Alece's place next to Niel. She claims she is a Missionary to SA still. I made the choice to continue to love Niel, but cut the cord. I made the heart-choice to wish them well in spite of everything.
    Maybe EXTRAVAGANT LOVE is at work in me after all. THANK YOU, JESUS!!!!!

  15. This post brought me much emotion. First of all I want to let you know I loved that song... Hearing your voice along with Jared's was amazing. It makes it even more personal. Funny how your voice matches exactly what I would have imagined it; beautiful.

    I know you seek wisdom in your life and it shows every time you share your heart. I appreciated that in the line, "I have not changed my mind on divorce, but my mind has been broadened as a result of it." That's wisdom...

    My wife and I have both been divorced... My oldest two daughters are from my wife's first marriage, but they belong to me just the same... How can you love a person, especially the way God intends, and not love a person's children?

    I've made lots of mistakes, but God is in the business of restoration. The acts of insecure people reveal the fear deep within. Only God can change that and I've come to realize I too fall into that category.

    God will redeem His children. None of us can change the past, but we can allow God to use all things to bring wisdom and honor to Him and to us along with all of our loved ones.

    Thanks for sharing from your heart. I'm praying for you and your entire family.

  16. My brother Floyd, your comment is filled with wisdom. Thanks for the encouragement.

    Divorce is not for the faint hearted. Our son did not take it lightly, it aged him. Thanks for giving me hope by sharing about you and your wife.

    Jared and I use to sing a lot together when he was a teen and I count it all joy when he sings with me now. My voice is almost gone, age has taken it's toll but every once in a while I feel that urge to belt one out. Both of our children sing beautifully.

    I do appreciate your prayers. Blessings

  17. Hello Betty! I saw you stopped by our Sisters of the Traveling Scarf blog. It's nice to meet you! I hope you come back and visit us - and feel free to check out our sidebar which has links to our individual blogs. Some of us blog regularly. We used to blog more often - but facebook seems to have drawn us in and we spend more time there. Anyway - feel free to jump and in make comments here and there. If you're around long enough - we just may adopt you into the fold! :)

    Regarding your post about your son's divorce. Divorce is a very difficult thing - however, I know that God can use ANYTHING to bring healing to us and will use things that the enemy means for harm and turns them into good. He works ALL things together for good for those who are called according to His purpose. :) Blessings to you!

  18. dear betty..i saw you over at the sisters and so i came over to look you up..this is such a lovely song that you and jared sang...i have
    always loved to hear jeff and sherri easter sing it and time and time, i have put it on my blog.
    reading your post about divorce caused me to think is a very sad thing for sure about
    divorce and i think that you came to a good understanding after a while..if you haven't been in the situation and thanks to the lord that i haven't, it is so hard to see what jared's hurting heart felt like...i am so glad that he is looking after those precious children of his...he is a good boy betty...i pray that he will continue and i hope that you guys will sing some more songs and post them!
    god bless you! you are a good mom to jared!..with love from terry

  19. Hi Betty,

    Thank you for being open and vulnerable here. No judgment from me, just an understanding that nothing is as easy as it seems from the sidelines. We have walked with family members through hard divorces too, ached with them, prayed for them, realized none of us can control people or circumstances, and been thankful for God's amazing tenderness and love for them; for us, and for all involved. Divorce does affect everyone involved, doesn't it? We miss those who are no longer around too.

    Thanks for your comment on my site earlier. Sorry for my delay.

    Wearing your pendant daily,
    Jennifer Dougan

  20. Wow, thanks for sharing such a personal story. Divorce is so simple in some ways, but dealing with it is so complicated.

  21. I don't have any words of wisdom, but judging without knowing the circumstances is a fault too many of us share. Who among us doesn't make mistakes? I'm sorry your family has had to experience this trial. We have to be thankful and praise God no matter what because it's too easy to become angry and bitter otherwise.

  22. Deb and Terry, thanks for visiting my site. I really enjoy reading your blogs. It sounds like all you girls had a wonderful time when you were together. I will be back for more visits. Blessings

  23. Jennifer, so very glad you like the "courage" pendant. You younger women so encouraged my heart to continue to follow the Lord with all my soul and might. Thanks for stopping by.

  24. Loren thanks for stopping by my site. Blessings.

  25. Elizabeth, thanks for your encouragement. Blessings.

  26. This post is simply awesome. My brother and his wife have some major issues and I do not condone divorce, but their son lives in misery and he's already been affected so terribly at the age of 16. Thank you for being truthful about your feelings.

  27. Debbie, thanks for stopping by. I tried to get on your site but could not figure it out. I will try again though. Happy Thanksgiving