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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Filler of Holes

 Recently I was viewing posts I had worked on but never finished.  Came acoss this short testemony of what led me to salvation.   The process of God bringing me to salvation was long and sometimes very painful.  How grateful I am He does not give up on us.   


This child would make it!    

 Laying quiet and perfectly still, I felt a gentle flutter, sort of a soft thumping inside me. After 12 years of marriage and 6 miscarriages later, life was growing in me and making himself or herself known. I simply got lost in the wonder of being pregnant: morning sickness, losing the waist line, every poke of an arm, leg of his or her little rump, swollen feet and those chocolate ice cream cravings in the middle of the night were welcomed.      

Crazy as this sounds, I found myself wishing it lasting longer then nine months. For the first time I felt almost complete.  Yet somewhere deep inside me a question started forming.   

 What happen to those six babies I lost?????

 Months later, holding our sweet daughter, the same nagging question took root in my mind and grew every time I held and smelled her sweetness.  It started me on a search created to forever change my life.    

 (And search I did too....loads of self help books, (no internet back then) and countless opinions from my friends and family left me mostly confused and not as happy as I should have been for someone who just had their first child.  Everything I ever dreamed had come my way - a husband with a good job, a house and a darling little red headed girl, Tara Jo. To add to our goodness we had a son Jared 4 years later after another miscarriage. 

  Soooo why did I still sense a huge hole inside of me? 

 That hole had been there all my life really. As a young child I can remember dwelling on that hole and feeling my self shrink into the nothingness of it till there was no more Betty. If I disappeared into the hole would anyone even miss me?    Thinking I could escape that hole, I tried to outrun it and got married at seventeen. I also tried some of those self help tips which brought some outward changes, but that question returned often leaving me feeling guilty for not being content with the good I had. 

 Until I bought a bible from one of my bookclubs.  

 Being an avid reader I tackled the Bible just like any other book, from the beginning.  Nothing could have prepared me for the effect it would have on me.    Power and light poured out of the words on those thin parchment pages.  My hole became smaller and smaller till it disappeared.  But Betty did not disappear.    I had found the “filler of holes” in those pages.     Oct of 1980 my search ended as I trusted Jesus death, buriel and resurrection for my salvation. 

 Oh, one more note, I found the  answer to my question in the bible...those seven children are in heaven.  

             When did God fill your hole?