Therapy

 

Signs of one's childhood trauma can continue to manifest well into adulthood.

Kids create an internal map of how the world is based on the trauma they experience.

But if the map never changes, it affects adult functioning.

When children try to change themselves to be loved by a parent, they lose touch with who they really are.

For me, the desire to be rid of the emotions that came from growing up in an abusive home was always there. So, I took things into my own hands, marrying at 17 and that got me out of the abuse in the home.

I had buried deep what went on in our home, never talked about it even with my best friend, even the man I married at first. Later as I begin to open up, I came to realize because he came from a dysfunctional home he could not help me. So, for years I just kept quiet about my thoughts and struggles, until our marriage was struggling. This caused me to be a seeker of help through books and at 30 I bought a bible and started reading it. Without the Holy Spirit living in me I did not understand much. One thing though that was clear, I was a sinner in need of a Savior.

It took four, almost five years and the birth of our daughter, and some faithful people from a church inviting us to church before I heard the gospel plain enough to respond to it.

Being a new creature in Christ is mind blowing. Most of what I could not understand became clear, the sky was bluer, the sun was brighter, and I wanted to follow this Jesus I had put my trust in. And He wanted me to grow and that would mean hardship at times, memories that hard to recall, but Jesus was long suffering and grew me slowly into understanding fully what His forgiveness of my sins meant in a practical sense. Here is the kicker, those hurtful memories will never go away. Someone ask me one time after I gave my testimony. How long did it take to really forgive your dad? I replied, every time I thought about Him. In all my childhood I had one good memory of him.

Forgiveness is something you have to continue to do every time the hurt comes to mind, especially if it stick around to wreak your present-day life. Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future. Lewis B. Smedes

What I am learning as a 77-year-old child of God is, PTSD was already grounds for other hurts to affect me. Several health issue that renders me helpless brought a different look at the anxiety that riddles my body at times. I had anxiety attack as a child which left me helpless and in pain. It came from the fear that gripped my heart when I had to come in from playing or from visiting a friend. I tried to stay away from my dad as long as I could.

I write about this because it helps me, in hopes anyone else who has struggles with forgiveness or dealing with hurtful memories will have some comfort that they are not alone. I am getting some therapy to help me deal with the deepness of past hurts. So thankful to the Lord that my therapist is a Christian.

The journey is never over till it is over, till death due us part. Just as I am thankful for my heart and kidney doctors, I am just as thankful for therapists, counselors, couches and all those who want to help those who are struggling. Most of all I am thankful for a God who designed our body, our mind and those He raises up to treat us on our journey. It's a good journey, one that has hope built into it when we know the Lord. I am feeling very hopeful at this stage of the journey.