Once Again God

Once again, I had to deal with the anger that resides inside me. Once again, after my anger was spent by unloading on someone I love,  I had to deal with the guilt for allowing myself to explode.  Once again, I fell before the Lord asking Him to help me with my anger.

Thank God,  He is a,  "once again" God, for His forgiveness was there, ready for me to accept it and open myself up for learning more about the root of this anger I deal with.

It would be easier to write about all the wrong that has been done to me and get you on my side.  I have a friend that I don't  open up to much because she tend to remind me I have been through a lot as if I deserve to feel the way I do.  That kind of reasoning is no help if I want to be like Jesus. He was never self righteous.  To be honest that is exactly what is the root of my anger.

I was always applauded at the story  in Matthew 18 about the unmerciful servant, a guy who owed the king millions of dollars. The king orders him to be sold with his wife and kids and everything he owns, to pay back his debt.

The servant pleads with the king and the king has pity and lets him go, debt free.

What came next is what angers me.  This servant in turns will not forgive someone else  who owed  him money.  It was a small amount of money owed to him and he had just been forgiven a huge debt he owed by the king.

 Peter ask Jesus, how many times do we need to forgive, would seven times be enough?

Brant Hansen who wrote the book, Un-Offendable tells it this way,  "Jesus says to Peter,   not even close, and then lets us know that, before God, we are in far deeper debt that anyone needing forgiveness from us. In that story, we are not, "just guilty" as the one whom we need to forgive.  We're worse.

The quote continues, If I get to determine whether my anger is righteous or not, I'm in trouble. So are you. The reason: we can't trust ourselves.

Trusting in yourself sounds like a perfectly normal things to do.  Problem is, for the believer, it isn't biblical at all.  We are deceptive to the core.  Jer. 17:9 ESV, The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick: who can understand it?  

End of quote: My thoughts:  When self righteous is reigning we are not trusting God, We are afraid he will not mete out justice, that people won't get what they deserve.

Hansen quotes: So perhaps our entitlement to anger is our little way of making sure some measure of justice is served.

Jesus wants to disrupt this kind of thinking.  Remember the women caught in adulteress, how the men wanted to stone her. I mean, she was guilty,  and they believed, no doubt, they were doing the right thing. they were carrying out God's justice, they thought. I love the way Hansen paraphrases what Jesus said to them,  "You can't do this, because you're all just as guilty. Every single one of you.

Another Hanson quote, Anger makes me think I have a right to hold the stone. I may not throw it, but I'll hold on to it, since the other person really did do that horrible things.  Jesus flipped their story upside down. And since He wants to do this for us, I say we let Him.  When you do, you'll find you have no standing to hold on to anger, ever.  Truth is, we want Jesus to leave our self righteousness intact.  He wants to smash it.

Well, by now you should have figured out where this post came from.  From the heart of a self righteous women who wants to go deeper with God.  God is opening up doors in my heart that I have let Him in before but as soon as the light got too bright I would shut it again.

Once again, He is answering my prayer and giving me what I ask for.  Take me deep, was my prayer, take me deep.  Good thing He is my life line or I would drown in defeat and guilt.  

I hope you are not one who thinks I am being too hard on myself, trust me I am not.  In no way am I getting what I deserve.  I deserve hell, He bought and paid for heaven. Not only that when I fail here on earth, He does not take His love, forgiveness, strength and so much more away.  

Amen

Amen

Amen

I am not built to be a prisoner.

Yesterday I settled down to watch a familiar movie, Pearl Harbor. It's an easy movie for me to fall asleep to because I know what is going to happen so the plan was to take a 20 minutes nap during it. It's mostly a love story set in the true story of the bombing of Pearl Harbor.  There are some favorite parts I look forward to seeing again and again for each time I get that same rush of emotions for the courage displayed by the characters. 

This time, because of some discouragement I was viewing  those favorite parts on a spiritual level. 

The first favorites takes place in Washington at the White House where President Roosevelt is meeting with top advisors over the surprise bombing of Pearl Harbor.  They are discussing the death toll and horror taking place even at the time of that meeting.  Roosevelt had ask congress to declare war. Some in the room were speaking negative against this. Several spoke,each telling why American cannot go to war with Japan.  

It gives me cold chills every time I watch the  part where the president responds to his advisors.

"Gentlemen, he says, most of you did not know me when I had the use of my legs. I was strong and proud and arrogant. Now I wonder every hour of my life... why God put me in this chair. But when I see defeat in the eyes of my countrymen... in your eyes right now, I start to think that maybe he brought me down... for times like these when we all need to be reminded who we truly are-- that we will not give up or give in.  One of his military advisor said, Mr. President, with all respect, sir. What you're asking can't be done.  The President then starts to straighten out his legs and with his hands pull himself up to a standing position.  His man servant tries to get him to stop but the President tell him to step aside.  Even some of the men around the table start to rise to help him but he refuses their help to.  Slowly, painfully he stands and say with courage , "Do not tell me... it can't be done."

For me it was one of the most powerful parts of the movie because these are the word I have been saying in the face of the devil, the enemy of my soul who does not want me to write a book by telling me it can't be done and then proceeds to pour reasons in my head which has discouraged me.  I made a list of all the reason I have been thinking I should just quit writing.  I won't print them here but I may use them in the forward of my book.

There is another  part of the movie that I will set up for you.  The president has ask Colonel  DoLittle  to lead a mission to bomb Japan, to take out tank factories and aircraft factories.   There were homing beacons put on the planes to help them return.  One of pilots ask, what if the beacons are turned off? The Colonels answered, you bring them down any way you can and do your best to avoid capture.  Another questions was about if their planes were damaged and they had to bail out over Japan?

 DoLittle said, Well, in that case I can't tell you what you should do. He then was ask, Colonel, what would you do?  Here it come, my other favorite part, DoLittle says, I wasn't build to be a prisoner. So I would have my crew bail out and I would find the sweetest military target I could and drive my plane right smack into the middle of it.

Again, pure raw courage that comes from knowing exactly how he was built.  Let me repeat his answer, I was not built to be a prisoner.  

God did not build us to be prisoners of the devil who wants to kill and destroy.  Again, because of where my heart has been lately this words of courage in the movie lifted my spirit  and brought home some deep spiritual truth.  I am a daughter of the Most High King, not a prisoner of the devil, he has no rights on me.  And God has equipped me  with a suit of armor to protect me as the battle rages.  Nobody, no thought, no fear can take me captive unless I allow it.  God has bought and paid for my freedom with the precious blood of Jesus. 

Maybe God speaking through a movie is a little dramatic for you but the God I serve meets me in the strangest place to encouraged my soul.  I was reminded of the women who prayed for me at the Retreat I attended last week.  The story of Nehemiah rebuilding the wall was pretty dramatic, I mean they carried a sword and a plow as the built. God is not picky about where He meets us, and He is not above using the words from a Hollywood movie on a real event to encourage this saint of God. 

It worked, here I sit writing all about it and before I wrote my post I was doing some more writing on my book.  Got my battle armor on  and my finger on the keyboards.  Get out of my way devil, I am a free women.  

How about you, has God spoke to you through an unusual way?

I would rather not...

Betty, Geri, Shirley, Maria, Donna

Just returned from a great ladies retreat this past weekend with these spirit filled women.  Well four of them were spirit filled. I on the other hand did not feel so spirit filled. It had nothing to do with these ladies, or the place, or the cost, or the timing. The last thing I said to my husband was, I would rather not go to this retreat. Yet out the door I walked, got into the car and we five ladies started talking right away. I did not share that I really did not want to go, just silently determined in my heart to make the best of the retreat. 

The first speaker got up and out of her mouth came the very words I said to my husband.  She said, I have been telling God for weeks, I would rather not do this.  God kept replying to her heart, I'd rather you  would for I have something for you.  

All five of us ladies looked at each other and silently mouthed, we did not want to come either.  Wow, I was not the only one.  I know a couple of those ladies well and why they did not want to come but we all chose  for the sake of each other to not allow our trials to keep us homebound.   

As the  speaker continued, she shared how association played a huge part of each of us being there.  One decides to go, ask another to go with her, that person ask another and on it goes till you have five or 25 or more going with you.  

In John 12: 1 -22  Six days before the Passover Jesus came to Bethany.   A large crowd of Jews learned He was there  and came to see Him and Lazarus whom Jesus had raised from the dead.  The next day, as Jesus rode into Jerusalem the crowd took branches from the palm and begin to shout, Hosanna, Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord, even the King of Israel.  Among the crowd were some Greeks and they came to Phillip because of his association to Jesus.  They ask him, Sir, we wish to see Jesus. Philip told Andrew and they went and told Jesus.

Jesus told them, :The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified, Truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone,  but if it dies it bears much fruit.  He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal.  If anyone serves Me, he must follow Me, and where I am, there My servants will be also.  If anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him.

Our speaker, us five ladies and I am sure countless others died to themselves just by putting themselves aside for the sake of someone else to be a part of the retreat.  Because of our association to Jesus probably 700 or so women came to hear something from the Lord.  

Our association with Jesus will draw others to us as we go about our lives.  Also our association with others who know Jesus will help us step out when we don't want to do something and get a blessing.  God always has something for us and it does not depend on how we feel.  He blessed the socks off all the women who came to the retreat, filled us up again to face our trials, gave us truth to put into practice just because we associated with others of like mind.  

My prayer is the way I live my life will leave no doubt that I associate with Jesus. 

Authenticity

Recently I was reading  the Magnolia magazine in which Joanna Gaines writes this, "Authenticity can't be copied, it can't be false. " She goes on to say, it seems to me that there are very few absolutes in this life, only a handful of things that are true to their core.  If our authenticity is one of these rare undisputed truths, why then does it seem to be such a difficult part of ourselves to live out?

GREAT QUESTION

  For over a year I have been praying, take me deep Lord and I am learning, again, and again going deep means counting the cost to get there.

Maybe its my age but my desire to be real has grown stronger.  I try to live with authenticity, to not portray myself as anything other then a saved sinner, a forgiven sinner, a frail women with a heart for God but also a women who can respond with a string of harsh words  when I am mad.  A women who can smile at you but inside I would like to knock your head off.  A women who gets deeply hurt but you would never know it because I will say I am fine when I am not.  A women who envies what others have at times.  A women who gossips,  a women who does not have it all to gather most of the time.  Etc. 

Not to long ago I was emailing a missionary friend in the jungle of Papua New Guinea, she ask how I was doing.  I decided to tell her about my latest crisis of faith, my struggle with a certain person.  Her response blew me away, she was discouraged by my honesty. Told me it was not what she needed to hear.  I realized she thought I did not struggle like she did.  It was a lesson learned to be discerning about who I am real with. 

 There is a solid sound to the word authenticity.  To the ear it sounds wholesome, well rounded, strong, and full of knowledge and wisdom and confidence.  I think we all crave it the longer we live but fear keeps us from living it out some of the time.  Paul states it well, I am what I am  by the grace of God.  

Here is something I read recently that helped me. 

Authenticity is more for yourself than for other people.

It is more about being honest to yourself than being honest to other people. It doesn’t depend on whether other people perceive you as authentic or fake. It’s not just about speaking the truth. Not everyone will have the privilege to listen in to all your thoughts, emotions or deepest secrets. As long as you are honest with yourself, you are living an authentic life. 

If you really want to authentic just ask  young children how you look.  The other day I needed to wash my hair but had a much to get done before I could do it. So I wrapped a scarf around my head,  it looked like I had no hair. Our three year old grandson, Reedley upon seeing me, yelled, Grandma, what wrong with your hair. I said, you don't think Grandma hair looks good, he replied with his thumb pointing down, not good Grandma, not good.  My goodness, I love that little boy. 

Here is my after thought on Reedley's authenticity.  He was not afraid to answer my question. He knows I will love him no matter what he says, besides if I did not want the truth I should not have asked.  

Of course the greatest example of authenticity is our Savior,  Jesus Christ.  

Lets Roll, Stand Tall

Change is in the wind at our house, I am moving the bedroom around to utilize the space better.  In the process I am reducing books on a shelf and came across this magazine that still causes tears to flow as I looked at pictures, read stories.  

One comment by Rev. Calvin Butts especially stirred my heart.  He said this to the people of his church.  

"When you go to work, you be the tower. You stand tall."

I personally think we have come a long way in protecting our country since then. Of course there is always more that can be done unless our leaders get their hands tied by people who have another agenda besides  protecting the people of this country. 

Truly I am not trying to make a political statement because I made mine the day I voted and I don't mind telling you my vote was not for Hillary.  In fact I try hard to not get political on any social media even though I have strong opinions on a lot of issues.  

Why?  Well that is the easiest question for me to answer. Life is in Christ and not in any political figure even though they may be a bold Christian like our vice president, they did not die on the cross for me.  Watching the reactions of so many after the elections  when

 Trump won was like watching a bunch of little kids being told you cannot do that.  Actually we just watch it for fun at times to get a good laugh and remind ourselves how foolish we all can be when we don't get our way. 

You see I feel exactly like Rev. Butts about standing tall for Jesus.  I would only change a few words of his comment to fit mine. 

When you go to work, or go anywhere, you be Jesus. you stand tall for Him so people always know He is your life.

When something horrific happens shock usually takes over.  You can see it on all the face as they realized what was happening and when the building begin to fall on 9/11. 

I think that's how the disciples felt as they watched them crucify  Jesus, watched the blood pour from his body, seen His broken body, the nails in his hands and feet, and the  crown of thorn shoved down on His head. 

They were in shock, how could this be?

In fact two followers of Jesus were walking and talking about what they had witness in Jerusalem.  There were downcast and still  in shock when a stranger begin to walk beside them.  Luke 24:13-17.  They ask the stranger if he knew what took place in Jerusalem?  What things, the stranger ask?  The two followers gave the stranger a brief synopsis of what happened.  Of course you know the story, Jesus was the stranger and He had news for them.  Luke 24:28-32.  Understanding lit their minds, excitement filled their being and they rushed back to Jerusalem to tell all, He is risen, He is risen, just like He said He would do. 

Here is the kicker, Jesus did nothing to deserve that kind of treatment.  Just as those passengers on those planes, the people in the places the planes were driven into, they did nothing to deserve to die that way.  Life on this earth brings trouble, trials, events the mind simply cannot deal with.  But we must, at all cost,  do as Rev. Butts said, be that tower, stand tall, let the whole world know I cannot be defeated. 

Paul says it well in II Corinthians 7-12  we are affected in every way ,but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down but not destroyed. 

Often things happen to us that we don't deserve. My mother use to say from her frail wheelchair bound heart, why does God let little children be killed, they don't deserve to die.  She would always add, why does He leave me here,  and take them.  Some questions there are no fair answers.  All I know for sure is, unfair will stop someday.  The enemy of our soul, the same enemy who was behind the Twin Towers coming down, the same enemy who tries his hardest to bring us Christians down will be put down forever.  

All we need to do is stand tall before the cross, or better yet, kneel before the cross and thank Him for what His sacrifice bought for us...freedom and an eternal home in heaven. 

The Cathedrals - I Thirst

Our ten year old grand daughter has a boy who let her know he likes her so she is super excited.  She likes him too but does not want him to know it, he is 9.  It was revealing as I listened to her go on and on about him.  The excitement over whelmed her. 

Now to us who were listening to her, Grandpa and Grandma was not as excited as her, but we do understand that first little touch on the heart for someone to like us.  

From the womb we do all we can to get someone attention. As little children and even older ones we will even do bad things to get that attention.  I know how I strived as an adult to get my husband to approve of me, to give me that validation that he loves me.  It's built into us from our creation.  

Goodness, we even kick our mother while in the womb as if to say, hey I am here, notice me. 

So this need is from the Lord, bred into us so we will turn to Him for all our needs.  Which is why I love the song above. I thirsted for 35 years in usually all the wrong place for something to quench   my thirst.  Read about several religion but none satisfied me inside or filled up that water hole in my soul.  

Only Jesus, the Thirst Quencher  could do that.  

Frustrations...

First, thanks to all you who have let me know you could not comment on my post.  In my limited knowledge I tried to fix that issue only to lose all comments.  Give me a new song to learn and I can follow any instruction you give me, I can follow a recipe for cooking, read a map, but this issue is so confusing to me.  Most of the  terminology is like a foreign language to me.  SOOOOOO.

I must get some help to undo whatever I did to lose the comments.  Be patience with me, don't drop me if it takes a while. Check back  once in a while to see if it's fixed.  This too will come to pass. 

Oh, please try to comment on this post so I know who can.  

Deep

Going Deeper with God

"Deep was my word for last year, 2018. Thinking God would give me another word for this year I have waited and waited.  Nothing pops into my mind, so I am going for another year with, "deep".  

Just today I read this article by Archbishop Foley Beach, that cemented my decision.  

Imagine for a moment that you are on a hike one Saturday afternoon . . .You are hiking in a meadow and you begin to walk through a grove of trees. As you begin to clear the trees, you suddenly notice that right there, in front of you, is a very large and beautiful lake. The lake is so large that you cannot see the shore on the other side.

After looking at this beautiful lake, you realize that you are 

hot; and a swim in this lake would be quite refreshing. You 

take off your shoes and begin to walk into the water. As you 

put your feet in the water, you realize that the water is only 

ankle deep. That’s right, no matter how far out you go into 

the water, it is only ankle deep!!! All this beautiful water, and

 it’s only ankle deep.

This ankle-deep lake is a picture of too many people’s 

relationship with the Lord – a mile wide, but an inch deep; 

plenty of surface, but no depth. Shallow; looks great on the

 outside, but not much content on the inside.

What a vivid  way to explain deep verses shallow.  

God knows I don't  want to wade in the shallow, I want to 

swim in the deep. I can swim pretty good but have had the 

experience of being out too deep and far from shore and fear  

 almost drowned me.  

I learned to have a healthy respect  for the ocean from that 

experiences.   

Since I trust the Lord I know He will not ask me to do 

anything that with His help I cannot do.  I have stepped out 

into the deep and said out loud to other, I am writing  a book. 

Not I want to write a book, but I am doing it.  Now, how 

long that will take , only God knows.  

What is it about?   LIFE IN THE RED.  

At least that is the direction at this time. 

In Paul Tripps book: A Quest For More, Living for

something bigger than you.  He says, "there is no place for

Christ in many people Christianity. Their faith is not actually 

in Christ; it is in Christianity  and their own ability to live it 

out.  

God has given me a few abilities , I sing a little, I teach a little 

and I write a little but I cannot trust that little to write this 

book.  

  He must keep me afloat as I tread the deep waters of what I 

know He wants me to do.  I am sure I will need pulled to the 

surface often for I already feel over my head. 

 Just me writing the words for everyone to read was a

plunge into the deepness of God.  When my book gets done, 

know it is because God was my anchor. 

What is God asking you to do this year that requires going 

from shallow to deep?

The Martins - Go Tell [Live]

Today our daughter and family flew back to Mn.  I took down all my Christmas decorations , ate some left over for lunch, watched a little TV. 

 My husband is on the road with our oldest grandson helping him drive his jeep he bought in California back to Mn.  I have stayed busy on purpose because I always go through a little depression after my family leaves.  

But today God brought this song back up again to me. In fact there was plans for another lady and I to sing it after the Christmas service last year but I got sick.  Since I had family here  I did not volunteer to do it this year.  

Our pastor has been preaching such great messages about the second coming of the Lord which always stirs my heart to witness.  But with the Christmas season on us, buying presents, food and going to parties kept my  mind busy and off of the lost. 

 I did invite a young women who I have been working with to our Christmas service but she had to work.  

Was not sure what this post was going to be about, just felt compelled to listen to the song again.  I firmly believe this is the message God wants us to think about before, during and after Christmas.  

We have family right now in Miramar on a mission trip.  They have been going for about the last five Christmas.  Right now they are telling the gospel to the people there.

 RIGHT NOW, someone is prayerfully getting saved because someone went.   

Our Miramar is all around us, where ever God has planted us.  We just need, no, I need to get out there and tell someone about the little baby in a manager, the son of God,  how He grew up, died on a cross for my  sin, rose again and is now sitting at the right hand of the Father and someday He will come take me where He is.  

I don't know what God is speaking to your heart in these after Christmas days but I am personally hearing in my spirit, GO TELL, loud and clear.  




                       

Back Scratchers

“All the Christmas presents in the world are worth nothing without the presence of Christ." -David Jeremiah


I love this quote for it reminds me of the Christmas's in my life where I found myself disappointed.  

As a child my Dad was always drunk on every Christmas's which meant we kids and my Mom lived in fear of a beating, which usually came.  Had it not been for a couple of relatives and the American Legion Christmas party along with a few churches who did things for low income kids we would have had no Christmas. 

This disappointment I took into my adulthood so it was always a struggle for me to get excited over the traditions of Christmas. 

 We were married 12 years without children which also makes for disappointment. I mean, isn't that suppose to be the greatest joy, watching your children open their presents.  Then came the  food that took a couple of days to prepare, eaten in 20 minutes.   And It never failed that one of the children's toys broke that very day, disappointment again.  

Before you get sad for me I want you to know I do not look back in sadness at past disappointments.  I believe they are the stepping stones I needed to instill a hunger for something besides the earthly to fill that disappointment hole inside of me.
 Disappointments come to everyone, believers and non believers alike.  In this world you will have trouble, it's a given.

At age 35 I became a believer in the sweet gospel and from that point on my perspective of Christmas change. We still give  gifts, cook tons of good food,   enjoy what ever family that comes around on Christmas but behind all that does dim in light of the love of God for us as the Christmas story is read.

My Grandma and Grandpa were believers so I know at some point in my life I heard that Christmas story read but when a heart is living in disappointment it's hard for truth to get through.  Disappointment saddens us and even can makes us so angry we make others pay for our past and present disappointments.  Disappointment focus is all about me, what I did not have, what I did not get, what I think I deserve. When we focus we sit ourselves up for disappointments.

One way to get over personal disappointment is to get involved in others lives.  You find out rich or poor,  everyone has disappointment.  Even though my childhood years were rough I have met many who have had it worst and still having it worst than I did.  My past does not own me, God owns my past, He knew how often I would be disappointed and He knew if I turned them over to Him He would make something beautiful with them.

I can get excited over Christmas now, and I don' t mind not having a lot of money to buy everything I want to buy for my Grandchildren.  God has never let me experiences having too much money, not sure I could handle that. But I can handle a little money and the challenge in trusting Him to give me ideas for fun gifts.  This year I bought everyone, from our 3 year old grandson to the oldest a back scratcher for one dollar apiece.  I am going to put their names on them.  You might think I am cheap and do not have enough money for  more then a dollar gift, trust me I do.    Here is the fun part.  Everyone uses my back scratcher and when they do, they will say, I need to get one of these. My grandson gave me one a couple years ago.  What better gift to give then something they need.  And as we sit scratching our backs around the tree, the sweet beautiful Christmas story will be read....the cheapest and richest gift blessing us at the same time.